Reflecting back

 Ksrtc bus played an important role in my entire juggling between hostel and home.
Trains were the convention mode of travel for most of the distant travelled batchmates.
But here I am again, with the long trips, just a difference, now it was to university.Oh yeah,officers never loose their ego and arrogance,when it comes to requests of urgency. Back from the real bad luck, the back forth journey striked me with some never noticed details.
It rained to form droplets of water covering the entire front glass.The wiper was osculating as usual which I never gave importance as motion in physics till then. Driver could drive us through,as the wiper Cleared the sight.
I reflected on my life.It now clearly defines Shakespeare's quote;sorry I'am bad at quoting; " Life is a tale told by an idiot,full of sound and furry".
Perhaps I should have increased my sense before few entrances, otherwise I might have been a happy person who secured a dream come true admission in one of India's top 5 colleges. Sorry the 5 mentioned should be 'five',its not a negligible mistake in English writing. See I knew that too,but not enough to take down my dreams.
The fear of a mistake made at the selection of ug course itself haunts me.Seriously I'am confessing, may be tomorrow I won't agree to the same.But it was yet another truth that, I made those years tough for me, making myself a '" padippi" ,the one identity that was enforced on me.I tried hard to get out of that Genesis, but more I tried, my frnds pushed me back.Meanwhile I got some great frnds, to show gratitude, for taking the whole me as an important individual.
Efforts payoff, I foolishly started to believe on my capacity, but sorry it was not potential to develop constructively a thinking, critical mind.I was just goal oriented more specifically marks oriented, at least that's what my "cheering inspiration "thought of me .
Still I thought and taught myself " You know your abilities and restrictions; cheer up".
Won many awards unexpectedly,Yes it was from college of course,just one place where you are free to enjoy irrespective of life' s responsibilities. Many thought of me as a padippi , yeah mentioned earlier, but I did everything to become an all rounder. Took part with guts in everything I wanted to do,Taekwondo participation,NCC,learnt to ride a bike, all were too small to be in backyard of that "Padippi Image".Reflections feel great, it was all to get out of that image cocoon, but gave me some good memories, friends and self confidence.
Sometimes I wondered,why I never match with someone's beauty concepts! Three years of hostel life and tippy friends told me how to get ready , literally for everything. Just that still I didn' t want to get insulted or can say overtly under confident, ruled with superiority complex.We never think of how able we are to comment on somebody else's choice. We say beauty is not everything, but still stick to the point that he/she could have got someone better.How strange na!
Let me share an example, its just a twenty minute walk to church from my home.The  boys, men or a rally of bikers just don't pass by without a comment or gesture.I know it has nothing to do with " beauty" but strictly habitual.They think its cool.If we gave a stern look or a harsh comment back, they say " ayye, look at yourself".What does that mean! They can do anything that they think is cool and we are expected to keep calm.The same is the case with many girls at different occasions.
I too enjoyed my heart out, let me make it clear."They "forced me to accept the image they created for me.What can I do , I couldn' t accept it as I was not the one they thought of me.I was an above average student who feared to fail expectations, dreams, being different, going wrong and above all ,the one who happened to be the relatively big fish in a small pond of studies but nothing compared to even a river.By now it may be clear who are " they" and what's that " Image".
Somewhere I started give myself importance ignoring the big fishes in the sea.I thought to crack that one seat in that tiptop outer state colleges.Everything happened so soon,rejections flooded more than expectations and hopes.One can imagine what can that bring to a failure feared , self esteemed , so called " best outgoing student" awardee of a college.More than anything,I too did the same thing as everybody does.Oops don't get that high to something absurd.I "BLAMED",blamed my fate, parents for not allowing to waste money on more applications, blamed God for only he is the one who takes blames without complaints. Ohh really I was mad.I thought I won' t make a life if I won' t get into any of my dream colleges.
It is true that too much hopes breaks us when we don't make it.We have the other option always to look forward in a positive direction. Now I applied to one of kerala's university and hope to get an admission . Whatever happens in life it all has something hidden.A month back I was a totally distressed girl as I lost my world itself. A while I thought of the possibilities life could ofter me at the new place.It was wonderful.Oh God, I really never noticed.The same was with me when I begin to write and mentioned about the details we miss in our life, the oscilating wiper and the yellow street lights like pathmakers for the vehicles. I can now relate to what Iam and need not prove it to anybody with an understrike and capitals "ANYBODY".I am answerable but just to my family if its concetning my life, decisions and choices as long as it won't turn a harm to society.
As those droplets covered the frontglass , I thought myself " its just like your mind , blurred to find answers, but God wipes all your doubts and clear a side ,through which you can see forward, drive forward safely.For those who are atheist, some positiveness from innerness which I call God.Rain isn't bad, so are those droplets. Burdens of failure purify our mind from pride and makes us strong enough to" face it" the next time.I turned out more positive after the trip. It gave me some worthy time to see that positive side. If not why I left a job I got, why I was rejected each time , why it happens only with me???Told you,won many awards unexpectedly, so its fair to lose some expected!!I guess.
Even I have no answers , I think some questions should remain unanswered to experience the excitement that future putforth.
I' am ready , are you?